I'll get better at this.

Whew! So now that I've gotten started, I guess I'll just set forth some ideas. This is Pre-Goal Step 1a.

Let's start with the easy stuff. Let's list things from the outside going in.

• Weight loss. I'm overweight. I will refrain from saying hurtful things to myself here. No comments please on how I look just fine or am beautiful from the neck up. This is about health. And I'm not healthy. Now take a step inward. WHY am I not healthy?
•  Sleep abuse. I kind of hate my body. I'm mad that it doesn't do the splits quite so easily, and that it's getting older. I'm pissed off that I now need sleep, and that if I look crooked at a second drink I get hungover AND gain three whole pounds. Just from looking. 
• Revamp my diet. I keep watching documentaries about food on Netflix that are scaring the meat out of me. Seriously, Netflix is slowly turning me into a Buddhist Vegan. Except I like meat. So, I suppose I want to plan my meals. Meat-free days of the week sound really, really hard. I'm going to do them anyway! Indian food is awesome for that. Thank you, Padmini, for the lessons.
• Exercise. Just doing things that make me joyful. I'll tell you a secret. I love Zumba. And Yoga. And that dumb little wii marching game. It always makes me smile. Seriously, just thinking of it makes me gleeful. So I'll add these things in every day. 
• Time Management. The Root of All Evil. Right now I've got so little to do, there isn't much to manage, but that's part of my problem. I'm high functioning when I have things to DO.
• Organization. Consistently manage all the things that happen as they happen.
• Anxiety. This is what botches my Organization and Time Management. Do It Now. Don't angst. That just makes it harder.  Commit to Flow.
• Meditation. To strengthen the Muscles of my Mind.

There I go freaking out! See how short those sentences got? That's how I panic. I lock into those tiny horrid thoughts. Maybe Klezmer isn't the best music for this. Wait a sec. Ok. Zen Asian stuff.

• Creativity. Commit to creating new things daily. Let myself play and learn new skills. Crocheting, paper flowers, writing!
• This will feed my desire to DO THINGS. I sometimes get so tied up in all this list-making, anxiety inducing, fearful planning that I count making To-Do lists as To-Doing

 That's my cue to go do some of this stuff. Freaking out + awareness = motivation. I think I'll go march on the Wii.

The distance between who we are and who we want to be can seem great. There are always ways that we can improve ourselves, always changes to be made. That's why I'm starting this blog.

I want to be a good writer, someone who can create smooth, impactful sentences that somehow communicate more than the sum of the actual words on the page. But, right now, I feel awkward and hesitant. I want to improve my writing skills. How do I do that? How do I go from this weird discomfort to easy facility? How do I get myself to the other side of the montage? I must write.

That's what this blog is going to be about. No, not just improving my tacky writing skills, but about getting through to the other side of success. It's a gradual process, and there won't be any upbeat exercise tracks about how I need a hero, or dancing, or eyes of tigers. No, real change happens when we are alone with ourselves, refining who we are through reflection and selection. We choose who we want to be. In order to do that, I have to become ok with being alone.

Being alone makes me panic. I admit it. I have serious anxiety issues when I'm not totally occupied. I don't use my time well when I'm in that Oh-my-god-my-life-is-worthless place. I hide in Netflix. I can't afford medication or therapy, so this will just have to do.

This blog is going to help me choose who I want to be. It's probably not going to be interesting to anyone else, but maybe someone will benefit from seeing someone gradually change. Or maybe it will be a cautionary illustration of how to crash and burn. Either way, I'll be changed on the other side of this montage. Maybe I'll be thin and strong, maybe I'll be 400 lbs. Maybe I'll be socially stable, maybe I'll turn into a total recluse who only socializes on Facebook through Farmville. Maybe I'll be better, but I'll definitely be different. It's my choice though, who comes out on the other side of this.

I lied about the music. I'll go cue up Eye of the Tiger. Oh, and Just Dance. And maybe the original version of I need a hero. Ok, fine, the Shrek 2 version too. Perhaps also some Canned Heat?